A Soul Search from way back when

I came across this post I had saved in word way back in July after vacation and I am not sure why I didn't post it, but I believe it is something that still stands and I am happy I wrote it. It is quite deep and written more for myself so I can see how I have changed. So here it is:

I want to warn you all before reading this post. This may get deep. Even I don't know where I am going to go with this post, but consider this your warning.



Ok, here we go.

During our lengthy car ride and week long vacation, there were very few instances where there wasn't a lot of comotion. However, when the opportunity of peace and quiet did arise, I found myself doing something I very rarely do.
Soul Searching.
Little things here and there made me realize things I never knew about myself in my 22 years of life. The biggest thing I realized is that I am not the person I want to be. I don't regret the things I have done thus far. In fact, I believe there are a lot of things I did right. I was raised in a nice home with a loving family, a strong faith, an excellent education, and I managed to stay with the right crowd and stray away from bad choices. I guess what I am trying to say before I go deeper is that I am proud of the woman I have become, I just know I have the potential to be more. Thankfully, I am still very young and have time to strive to who I want to be...




But after sad news I have recieved the day after we left for vacation, it makes me wonder how much time I really have. If you haven't already heard a good friend of mine and her boyfriend were in a bad accident in which the boyfriend didn't make it. I didn't know this guy yet, but it still pained me to even think about the situation. I read his obituary and have heard details about him through friends, and I just don't understand how God could take someone like him away. He had so much going for him and was so so young. Needless to say, this was the spark of my reflection.


Over my vacation, I read the book "Missing Identity". Peggy recommended it to me, but somehow both my mom and Katie got a hold of it and finished it before I even had a chance. Not to mention over vacation, between my aunt and grandma wanting to read it and Taylor trying to hide it, I had to fight for time to read it. The book is really that good. It is so captivating and it is a remarkable story.I definately recommend it to those of you who haven't had a chance to read it yet. Anyways, back to my point. This book was another instance where victims of a bad accident died so young and without living their lives to the fullest.


I know what you are all thinking, well if you are anything like Taylor you are asking this: Why are you surrounding yourself with things that are making you upset while you are on vacation? And I really should apologize to him and my family because I do let things get to me, and then I take it out on the ones I love.I can't help it. I get so wrapped up in other people's lives and smother myself with their grief. Technically, its not a horrible thing what I am doing. I am just an emotional person with a big heart. The problem exists when I find myself weak, irritable, angry, and questioning my faith.


This is the point where I do my soul searching. There were many times on vacation when Taylor would say "Why are you being weird?", "What's wrong?", "Why are you so quiet? At the time I didn't know what to tell him. I don't think I knew myself.I still may not fully know why I reacted to these tragedies in the way I did, but I do know one thing is certain, I need to rebuild my relationship with God. I can't continue just going to church on holidays or praying when I need something. I need to pray and go to church to thank God for everthing I have already and ask for his guidance every single day. The families in the book "Mistaken Identity" had so much faith that they were able to take a horrible life changing situation of their own and turn it into a miraculous life changing situation for others, including me.


During my soul search, I asked myself, "If I died today, would I be satisfied with the life I lived?" "Did I make an impact on anyone?" And as much as I want to say yes and be content with what I have done thus far.. I can't. I want to be more. I want to change someone's life. God has a plan for me that I may not be able to comprehend at this point in my life, but I do know where I can start, and that is my faith.


It is tragic what happened to these young people, and it is even more tragic that it happens all the time, every day. I just hope one day I will change someone's life like Ian and those who lost their lives in the Taylor accident changed mine. That is what is remarkable about God. I didn't even know Ian and I sure as heck didn't know those who died in the accident years ago, but someday I hope I can thank them for making me realize what I am missing and restore my faith with the lord.

I am proud to say that since this post God has become a very big part of my life again and I could not be happier. I listen to KLOVE, I go to church, I pray every day and I can tell how much my life has  changed for the best. GOD IS GOOD!